Birth to Death Without Ever Leaving Wal-Mart

The American Dream for Less.
You get what you pay for...

Wal-Mart University is the newest frontier the good ol' boys in Arkansas have planned for our future workforce. No need to worry about all those hard courses in school because now all you need to know is what Wal-Mart wants you to know. No more need to worry about ever having to expand your horizons or explore various aspects of life because you will never need to leave Wal-Mart.

The idea is simple: Wal-Mart needs more people with managerial skills so they ask our government to start offering Wal-Mart curriculum in community colleges and the lucky students have a head start in the exciting field of store management.

So Wal-Mart is moving into education now... How long before Wal-Mart will start offering housing and medical services? Once that is completed the only things modern life requires will be details easily acquired by the behemoth that is that glistening cube of white hope on the horizon. From birth to death spent under the nurturing florescent lights overseen by the friendly greeter who waves to you on your way to work in Aisle 16 or on your way home to that nice little duplex with a garden in Aisle 37. Your kids will be born over in the healthcare center (which you'll have to pay for out of pocket because Wal-Mart won't offer you health insurance benefits) and no need to retire because your meager wages will never allow you the ability to save a spare dime so when your final breath is exhaled and you drop the jar of mayonnaise you were stocking on the shelves, as life slowly leaves your body the final sound your dying ears hear will be, "Clean-up on Aisle 12... Can I get a clean-up on Aisle 12?"

The Tyranny of Feminism!

A new breed of revolutionary is here and they are breaking down barriers, shattering that glass ceiling and finally giving a voice to the oppressed men of this nation.

• Matt Dubay is a strong man who is proudly taking a stand against his newborn son's oppressive demands for child support. This child and it's cold-hearted mother have used the liberal courts to steal $500 a month from Mr. Dubay - money that could be used in his noble quest to hook up at the local bar. Fortunately for men everywhere he is not giving in and is bravely taking on these socialist oppressors in the fight for the right to ignore his responsibilities.

• In a similar case, Senator Bill Napoli of North Dakota has made a bold statement against the special rights women seem to feel they are entitled to. In backing a statewide ban on abortion Mr. Napoli has stopped women from being able to neglect their obligations and unlike so many lawmakers with less cahones, Mr. Napoli won't take any lame excuses. There is no way for any woman to swindle her way out of her responsibilities unless she is "brutally raped, savaged... The girl was a virgin, she was religious, she planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated." No weak excuse of just being raped and sodomized - she must also be brutalized and a god-fearing virgin! Take that all you weak-kneed skanks! Mr. Napoli also proudly states that he wants to get back to traditional values like we had back in the "Old West", back in the days when a woman was kept in her proper place, men could rape and sodomize her then apparently was forced to marry her by the community. Keep on fighting the good fight, brother.
Crooks & Liars has the video

• Finally, Doug Anglin, a 17-year-old senior in high school is taking on those Massachusetts liberals in an all out war against his civil rights. It seems this blue-state is unfairly granting more girls to their honor roll than boys. ''The system is designed to the disadvantage of males," Anglin said. ''From the elementary level, they establish a philosophy that if you sit down, follow orders, and listen to what they say, you'll do well and get good grades. Men naturally rebel against this." We stand behind you Mr. Anglin in your quest for acceptance in this world being over-run by feminists and sissy-boys who insist on following the rules and doing schoolwork as some kind of "requirement" for academic achievement. Their elitist ways are a disgrace to our nation founded on the individuals right to success without effort. If we've learned anything these past five years under our Commander and Chief it is that effort and understanding should be punished and being rich and connected is what really matters in this world.
Check out the Curmudgeon Bastard's wise analysis of the story.

Our Fearless Leader in Action...

God save us.(click image to enlarge)

How Dare They...

Just because the U.S. military dropped a bomb and killed 18 Pakistani villiagers for no apparent reason does not give these people the right to call us Americans terrorists. That's so insulting. We are not mere terrorists, we are a fully operational, government sanction, technologically superior and morally indifferent military force! Those 18 villagers were not the victim of pointless violence - they were martyrs to the "Global Struggle Against the Enemies of Freedom and the Enemies of Civilization" and their sacrifice is well respected by all Americans as essential in creating stability in an unstable land. I mean, what better way to make friends than by killing their families?

Anyway, I really just wish those ingrates would see that we kill them because we care about their freedoms. And only they can be terrorists, not us.

Terrorists Destroy Christmas!!!

In a recent Pentagon briefing written by Brit Hume the U.S. has announced a new front in the "War on Terror." The new threat is more frightening than anything we have ever seen because this time the enemy is within and its presence is huge. They have infiltrated every aspect of American life and now they have finally devised the most vicious assault on Western Civilization we have seen since Satan first fell from heaven.

Their plan is quite simple really; they are attacking America at its core by taking the Christ out of Christmas!!!

You see, by taking the "Christ" out of "Christmas" they are taking the "Consume" out "Consumerism" and thus the "Free" out of "Freedom." Once they have managed to do this, Americans nationwide will be helplessly stricken with "Bah-Hum-Bug" fever and unable to flock out to Wal-Mart and buy their loved ones the new "Homedics Pedicure Jet Action Footbath" or "Personalized Fashion Photo Tie" thus creating a staggering seasonal income shortage for manufacturers and retailers. Amidst all this chaos the loss of Christmas Spirit will set off a manic wave of depression through the hearts and souls of Americans everywhere leading to the final plan of attack. The most fiendish and demented part of the operation is the Comedy Central "Holiday Spectacular" where every man woman and child will be subjected to the secular diatribe of liberal terrorist Al Franken's stand up comedy resulting in catastrophic boredom and even possible mass suicides. With America's spirit broken it will only be a matter of days before these terrorists can topple our government and destroy civilization.

Fortunately we have discovered this fiendish plot and are taking the necessary steps to dismantle their network, capture - or kill if needed - all operatives and restore peace and tranquility to our nation. So, please do your part as Americans and remember to say merry Christmas to everyone you see on the street, everyone at your place of work and everyone you go to school with. And if any of them make any mention of not believing in Jesus or celebrating the Christmas holiday you should immediately report these terrorists to your local police who are in direct communication with Homeland Security. We must be vigilant and protect our nation from the terrorists who wish to turn America into a place with no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between Church and State. We cannot let this happen, otherwise the terrorists have won.

As a great man once said, "We have nothing to fear but God himself!"

I pray for you all.

Just like "Us"

The institutions of marriage, faith and celebrity have never looked better... It feels so good to know that folks like Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and other wonderful examples of humanity are just like "us" - makes everything seem right in the world.

Infallible Diva

The Pope Wears Prada?

"He may never make the best-dressed lists, but Pope Benedict XVI is nothing short of a religious-fashion icon, riding in the Popemobile with red Prada loafers under his cassock and Gucci shades."

Say what you will about a religion that doesn't want women or homos to be their club leaders yet thinks a former Nazi has the credentials needed to be an infallible spiritual middleman to God himself, but this thing about wearing designer duds is just plain loony. Not that there is anything wrong with a full grown man drenched in gold and glittering sequins with red little shoes and gaudy sunglasses, parading about in a "Popemobile." But for a religion that preaches humility it is teetering on the verge of hypocrisy if you ask me. I'm not an expert on the bible but I don't think Jesus pranced around in ruby slippers and got prissy when his tailors cut his robe a bit shorter than he preferred. And while supporting local merchants is respectable, Mr. Benedict may want to reconsider his choices. Can you find more of a fashion whore than Gucci? These are the classy folks who stick their "G" logo on everything from dog dishes to i-Pod cases.

It all reminds me of my first visit to the venerable St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC. Upon entering this majestic temple of worship, Christ's eager pilgrims are treated to a cute little gift-shop hawking $2,000 jeweled rosaries and other such lavish prayer devices. I guess God will listen more intently if you rub your fingers elegantly upon shiny diamonds than if you just smear your filthy mitts on plastic beads. It's so amazing how these people don't even pretend to have read the Bible and yet have such a devoted following.

Normally, I don't get too concerned about fashion choices or things like that but when an organization holds obscene amounts of money and influence like this one does than it would be really nice if it's followers would think about the idiocy of their decision to support it. Like before you make decisions about what a woman has a right to do with her own uterus, wouldn't it seem appropriate to listen to a woman? I know it's often a burden having to discuss serious issues with women since God created them so darn irrational and inferior but it is their body at stake, they should have some say in the matter. And before you start kicking fags out of the ministry you might want to reel in your mascot who's waltzing around looking like a transvestite diva.

God's great insurance scam.

It's the first moments of November, the month of my birth, and this one thing keeps running through my mind and dancing upon what little fragments of esteem my "self" still clings onto with compulsive delusions: "Why?"

Why am I concerned about anything that this world has to say anymore? There are so many voices out there and nobody seems to have any control over the reality of our predicament. Everyday it seems I hear another voice telling me it is all over, we will see the end in our days. Then another voice fights back that we must make drastic changes or we will all perish. And then yet another voice shouts out with indignation that we are on the right path and must stay the course. And these voices just circle around my consciousness like moths straining to enter into the light and in the end they all just burn up in reality's brutal glare. The reality is that no ones knows what the hell is going on and when ever anything happens it catches us all with our pants down looking stunned and stupid.

The war, the hurricanes, the terrorism, the economy, the crime and the racism and the suffering is all a suprise to everyone because no one expected humanity of such inhumanity. In hindsight we are all arguing over whose to blame and what to do and how we are right and they are wrong. One side will say it was obvious that we were headed for trouble and the other will say the trouble was there from the beginning. It's all a big catastrophe because they don't have any morals and our god is taking his vengeance out on their evil ways. And in the end it is everyone's fault because humanity is inhumane. Caring doesn't pay the bills. And you know what, in the end it's all gonna end so what are you gonna do about it?

Why all the focus on morals too? Whose morals, yours or mine? There's a good chance my morals differ drastically from yours and who's to say either one of us is right? Whose morals are at fault? Is it mine? Is it because I don't believe in god that this world is going to hell in a handbasket? Or is it because so many people follow a god that doesn't exist? Do they believe in god the creator or "godTM" that is sold on TV by spiritual salesman offering salvation for low monthly payments and the god that hates fags and feminists and fucking? And why can't believers agree on what they believe in? How are nonbelievers supposed to take their argument seriously when they don't even take their own kind seriously? Forget about all the different gods out there stirring up wars and oppression but focus on just one god - any one of 'em. Whose to say that every sect of christianity is wrong but the Jehovah's Witnesses, or the Southern Baptists, or the Christian Scientists, or the Jews For Jesus, or the lost but not forgotten Branch Davidians? Are they all not just fastfood chains shucking out edible byproducts to impatient consumers with no concern for nutritious content? When did a person's soul become a commodity to be bought through spiritual free trade? It was Jesus who said "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. And I give unto them eternal life." Now it is his sheep who have been devoured by the wolves of power and money just as so many other sheep of different flocks. They all have been herded into factions and made pawns of war. The moral crusaders fight on with contrived notions of morality spun intricately out of writings in an ancient tome that is said to be the word of whatever god they are pushing and thread throughout the fabric of societies until we are all tightly wound in their web of obedience. These morals that keep us from pleasuring in the flesh and pleasuring in the mind so that we may one day be rewarded with pleasures of the soul. The problem with deals where the payment comes in the back end is that the payee usually ends up taking it in the ass. So I'm sorry god but no deal for you. If you want my services I want half up front and the final half upon completion. Yes that's right, I want pleasures now and pleasures when I am done with this life. If you can't agree with those conditions I'll just have to take my business elsewhere. That's how we deal now in corporate spirituality. You can thank your salesmen Osama, Falwell and the 700 Thug for them apples.

They all say they are about love and compassion but condemn acts of love and show compassion to none who oppose them. What is it that we all want salvation from anyway? Are we asking for salvation from god? Doesn't say much for god if the guy can supposedly create the heavens and earth but can't control a bit of bad temper. No, I guess we're asking for salvation from ourselves. Seems to be right, how else can you explain the popularity of daytime talkshows other than that we really hate who we are and want everyone to make amends for our wicked ways.

Everyone wants salvation but it seems to be that everyone's idea of it is totally different. The notion that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are ideals worth dying for have been trampled by a chanting chorus of bigger, better and faster; which is clashing with symphonies of Who Would Jesus Damn which is utterly out of tune with the hippie jamfest of peaceniks and treehuggers. So in come the insurance salesman to offer us a deal on our souls. "Pay now and we guarantee your soul eternal security." Call it afterlife insurance. How do you get salvation and where do you buy it? Who has the best rates and the lowest deductables? What's in the fine print, what are the rules? Who should we hate and when should we kill them?

Everywhere you go there is someone who says they can offer you insight on the path to righteousness. And with all these voices screaming out for attention the average American mind changes the channel and listens to the battling voices on American Idol. With all the voices wanting to be heard it is almost funny how no one is really listening. It's just too many voices and too little time on this planet to care anymore.

So if it's all going to end then why not go out with a bang? Let's leave an unmistakable mark here for future civilizations to debate over and future fundamentalist zealots to deny the existence of. Why not cut down every tree, mine every rock, pump out every last drop of oil? Once we've turned the earth inside out we'll ignite every bomb we've got and send the whole place up in a blaze of glory letting god know that the deal is off, he can have his fucking planet back and forget about any future payments because he sold us insurance on souls he never gave us.