Terrorists Destroy Christmas!!!

In a recent Pentagon briefing written by Brit Hume the U.S. has announced a new front in the "War on Terror." The new threat is more frightening than anything we have ever seen because this time the enemy is within and its presence is huge. They have infiltrated every aspect of American life and now they have finally devised the most vicious assault on Western Civilization we have seen since Satan first fell from heaven.

Their plan is quite simple really; they are attacking America at its core by taking the Christ out of Christmas!!!

You see, by taking the "Christ" out of "Christmas" they are taking the "Consume" out "Consumerism" and thus the "Free" out of "Freedom." Once they have managed to do this, Americans nationwide will be helplessly stricken with "Bah-Hum-Bug" fever and unable to flock out to Wal-Mart and buy their loved ones the new "Homedics Pedicure Jet Action Footbath" or "Personalized Fashion Photo Tie" thus creating a staggering seasonal income shortage for manufacturers and retailers. Amidst all this chaos the loss of Christmas Spirit will set off a manic wave of depression through the hearts and souls of Americans everywhere leading to the final plan of attack. The most fiendish and demented part of the operation is the Comedy Central "Holiday Spectacular" where every man woman and child will be subjected to the secular diatribe of liberal terrorist Al Franken's stand up comedy resulting in catastrophic boredom and even possible mass suicides. With America's spirit broken it will only be a matter of days before these terrorists can topple our government and destroy civilization.

Fortunately we have discovered this fiendish plot and are taking the necessary steps to dismantle their network, capture - or kill if needed - all operatives and restore peace and tranquility to our nation. So, please do your part as Americans and remember to say merry Christmas to everyone you see on the street, everyone at your place of work and everyone you go to school with. And if any of them make any mention of not believing in Jesus or celebrating the Christmas holiday you should immediately report these terrorists to your local police who are in direct communication with Homeland Security. We must be vigilant and protect our nation from the terrorists who wish to turn America into a place with no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between Church and State. We cannot let this happen, otherwise the terrorists have won.

As a great man once said, "We have nothing to fear but God himself!"

I pray for you all.

Just like "Us"

The institutions of marriage, faith and celebrity have never looked better... It feels so good to know that folks like Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and other wonderful examples of humanity are just like "us" - makes everything seem right in the world.

Infallible Diva

The Pope Wears Prada?

"He may never make the best-dressed lists, but Pope Benedict XVI is nothing short of a religious-fashion icon, riding in the Popemobile with red Prada loafers under his cassock and Gucci shades."

Say what you will about a religion that doesn't want women or homos to be their club leaders yet thinks a former Nazi has the credentials needed to be an infallible spiritual middleman to God himself, but this thing about wearing designer duds is just plain loony. Not that there is anything wrong with a full grown man drenched in gold and glittering sequins with red little shoes and gaudy sunglasses, parading about in a "Popemobile." But for a religion that preaches humility it is teetering on the verge of hypocrisy if you ask me. I'm not an expert on the bible but I don't think Jesus pranced around in ruby slippers and got prissy when his tailors cut his robe a bit shorter than he preferred. And while supporting local merchants is respectable, Mr. Benedict may want to reconsider his choices. Can you find more of a fashion whore than Gucci? These are the classy folks who stick their "G" logo on everything from dog dishes to i-Pod cases.

It all reminds me of my first visit to the venerable St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC. Upon entering this majestic temple of worship, Christ's eager pilgrims are treated to a cute little gift-shop hawking $2,000 jeweled rosaries and other such lavish prayer devices. I guess God will listen more intently if you rub your fingers elegantly upon shiny diamonds than if you just smear your filthy mitts on plastic beads. It's so amazing how these people don't even pretend to have read the Bible and yet have such a devoted following.

Normally, I don't get too concerned about fashion choices or things like that but when an organization holds obscene amounts of money and influence like this one does than it would be really nice if it's followers would think about the idiocy of their decision to support it. Like before you make decisions about what a woman has a right to do with her own uterus, wouldn't it seem appropriate to listen to a woman? I know it's often a burden having to discuss serious issues with women since God created them so darn irrational and inferior but it is their body at stake, they should have some say in the matter. And before you start kicking fags out of the ministry you might want to reel in your mascot who's waltzing around looking like a transvestite diva.

God's great insurance scam.

It's the first moments of November, the month of my birth, and this one thing keeps running through my mind and dancing upon what little fragments of esteem my "self" still clings onto with compulsive delusions: "Why?"

Why am I concerned about anything that this world has to say anymore? There are so many voices out there and nobody seems to have any control over the reality of our predicament. Everyday it seems I hear another voice telling me it is all over, we will see the end in our days. Then another voice fights back that we must make drastic changes or we will all perish. And then yet another voice shouts out with indignation that we are on the right path and must stay the course. And these voices just circle around my consciousness like moths straining to enter into the light and in the end they all just burn up in reality's brutal glare. The reality is that no ones knows what the hell is going on and when ever anything happens it catches us all with our pants down looking stunned and stupid.

The war, the hurricanes, the terrorism, the economy, the crime and the racism and the suffering is all a suprise to everyone because no one expected humanity of such inhumanity. In hindsight we are all arguing over whose to blame and what to do and how we are right and they are wrong. One side will say it was obvious that we were headed for trouble and the other will say the trouble was there from the beginning. It's all a big catastrophe because they don't have any morals and our god is taking his vengeance out on their evil ways. And in the end it is everyone's fault because humanity is inhumane. Caring doesn't pay the bills. And you know what, in the end it's all gonna end so what are you gonna do about it?

Why all the focus on morals too? Whose morals, yours or mine? There's a good chance my morals differ drastically from yours and who's to say either one of us is right? Whose morals are at fault? Is it mine? Is it because I don't believe in god that this world is going to hell in a handbasket? Or is it because so many people follow a god that doesn't exist? Do they believe in god the creator or "godTM" that is sold on TV by spiritual salesman offering salvation for low monthly payments and the god that hates fags and feminists and fucking? And why can't believers agree on what they believe in? How are nonbelievers supposed to take their argument seriously when they don't even take their own kind seriously? Forget about all the different gods out there stirring up wars and oppression but focus on just one god - any one of 'em. Whose to say that every sect of christianity is wrong but the Jehovah's Witnesses, or the Southern Baptists, or the Christian Scientists, or the Jews For Jesus, or the lost but not forgotten Branch Davidians? Are they all not just fastfood chains shucking out edible byproducts to impatient consumers with no concern for nutritious content? When did a person's soul become a commodity to be bought through spiritual free trade? It was Jesus who said "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. And I give unto them eternal life." Now it is his sheep who have been devoured by the wolves of power and money just as so many other sheep of different flocks. They all have been herded into factions and made pawns of war. The moral crusaders fight on with contrived notions of morality spun intricately out of writings in an ancient tome that is said to be the word of whatever god they are pushing and thread throughout the fabric of societies until we are all tightly wound in their web of obedience. These morals that keep us from pleasuring in the flesh and pleasuring in the mind so that we may one day be rewarded with pleasures of the soul. The problem with deals where the payment comes in the back end is that the payee usually ends up taking it in the ass. So I'm sorry god but no deal for you. If you want my services I want half up front and the final half upon completion. Yes that's right, I want pleasures now and pleasures when I am done with this life. If you can't agree with those conditions I'll just have to take my business elsewhere. That's how we deal now in corporate spirituality. You can thank your salesmen Osama, Falwell and the 700 Thug for them apples.

They all say they are about love and compassion but condemn acts of love and show compassion to none who oppose them. What is it that we all want salvation from anyway? Are we asking for salvation from god? Doesn't say much for god if the guy can supposedly create the heavens and earth but can't control a bit of bad temper. No, I guess we're asking for salvation from ourselves. Seems to be right, how else can you explain the popularity of daytime talkshows other than that we really hate who we are and want everyone to make amends for our wicked ways.

Everyone wants salvation but it seems to be that everyone's idea of it is totally different. The notion that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are ideals worth dying for have been trampled by a chanting chorus of bigger, better and faster; which is clashing with symphonies of Who Would Jesus Damn which is utterly out of tune with the hippie jamfest of peaceniks and treehuggers. So in come the insurance salesman to offer us a deal on our souls. "Pay now and we guarantee your soul eternal security." Call it afterlife insurance. How do you get salvation and where do you buy it? Who has the best rates and the lowest deductables? What's in the fine print, what are the rules? Who should we hate and when should we kill them?

Everywhere you go there is someone who says they can offer you insight on the path to righteousness. And with all these voices screaming out for attention the average American mind changes the channel and listens to the battling voices on American Idol. With all the voices wanting to be heard it is almost funny how no one is really listening. It's just too many voices and too little time on this planet to care anymore.

So if it's all going to end then why not go out with a bang? Let's leave an unmistakable mark here for future civilizations to debate over and future fundamentalist zealots to deny the existence of. Why not cut down every tree, mine every rock, pump out every last drop of oil? Once we've turned the earth inside out we'll ignite every bomb we've got and send the whole place up in a blaze of glory letting god know that the deal is off, he can have his fucking planet back and forget about any future payments because he sold us insurance on souls he never gave us.