In a recent Pentagon briefing written by Brit Hume the U.S. has announced a new front in the "War on Terror." The new threat is more frightening than anything we have ever seen because this time the enemy is within and its presence is huge. They have infiltrated every aspect of American life and now they have finally devised the most vicious assault on Western Civilization we have seen since Satan first fell from heaven.
Their plan is quite simple really; they are attacking America at its core by taking the Christ out of Christmas!!!
You see, by taking the "Christ" out of "Christmas" they are taking the "Consume" out "Consumerism" and thus the "Free" out of "Freedom." Once they have managed to do this, Americans nationwide will be helplessly stricken with "Bah-Hum-Bug" fever and unable to flock out to Wal-Mart and buy their loved ones the new "Homedics Pedicure Jet Action Footbath" or "Personalized Fashion Photo Tie" thus creating a staggering seasonal income shortage for manufacturers and retailers. Amidst all this chaos the loss of Christmas Spirit will set off a manic wave of depression through the hearts and souls of Americans everywhere leading to the final plan of attack. The most fiendish and demented part of the operation is the Comedy Central "Holiday Spectacular" where every man woman and child will be subjected to the secular diatribe of liberal terrorist Al Franken's stand up comedy resulting in catastrophic boredom and even possible mass suicides. With America's spirit broken it will only be a matter of days before these terrorists can topple our government and destroy civilization.
Fortunately we have discovered this fiendish plot and are taking the necessary steps to dismantle their network, capture - or kill if needed - all operatives and restore peace and tranquility to our nation. So, please do your part as Americans and remember to say merry Christmas to everyone you see on the street, everyone at your place of work and everyone you go to school with. And if any of them make any mention of not believing in Jesus or celebrating the Christmas holiday you should immediately report these terrorists to your local police who are in direct communication with Homeland Security. We must be vigilant and protect our nation from the terrorists who wish to turn America into a place with no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between Church and State. We cannot let this happen, otherwise the terrorists have won.
As a great man once said, "We have nothing to fear but God himself!"
I pray for you all.
The institutions of marriage, faith and celebrity have never looked better... It feels so good to know that folks like Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and other wonderful examples of humanity are just like "us" - makes everything seem right in the world.